Max’s affair wasn’t planned. He and Leah had been married for 30 years and had been relatively happy.

But, after he retired, he felt bored and useless. His life had no spark and he feared he would go to the grave soon if he didn’t bring some excitement back into it.

At the same time, Leah was just taking off with her volunteer position with an animal rescue organization.

While watching TV one day, Max began remembering a woman he had seen on his daily delivery route while he still worked. Her name was Rose. He thought of her smile and how she exuded confidence and fun. She was always so appreciative of his work and had an encouraging word for him.

He decided to stop in her shop to see how she was doing — just to check up on her.

They met for coffee to share more of their life stories and Max suddenly felt alive. No longer was he an old man deteriorating toward the grave. Instead, he was excited for life and loved the fun he and Rose were having.

Before he knew it, he and Rose were sexually intimate. He felt guilty but he also felt on fire with excitement.

That is, until the day Leah saw Rose’s text, and his world came crashing in.

Of course Leah was outraged. His previously quiet wife was now screaming and even hitting him. And, she insisted on knowing every sordid detail of his relationship with Rose. He loved his wife but he also cared about Rose and didn’t want to shame her.

Besides, it felt that Leah would never be satisfied with his answers. Her questions seemed to have no end as she wrestled with the broken trust.

As they considered putting the pieces of their marriage back together, there were more important questions needing to be asked.

These were questions that would get at the real “why” of the affair. Questions that would lead toward making their marriage even better than it ever had been.

Why You Need to Ask Questions After an Affair

In my last post, I wrote about the myriad of questions that naturally come to your racing mind after finding out about your partner’s affair. I also wrote about why knowing those answers won’t only not help your marriage but may make recovering much more difficult for you.

But there are questions that need to be asked, because you need to find out the reasons for the affair and how it came about.

These answers will give you clues about whether or not you should stay. They will also illuminate the issues needing to be addressed should you decide to continue.

You need to know these because your first assumption is going to be that the affair was about rejecting you for sex with someone else. But sex is seldom the initial reason for an affair.

Affairs begin due to the offending partner trying to mask pain or meet an emotional need.

The questions also can help you see how you contributed to the situation within your relationship that eventually prompted your spouse to look elsewhere.

Questions to Ask After an Affair

  1. The most significant question to ask is: “What did the affair mean to you?” Was it excitement? Did it help her believe she was desirable? Or did it just make her feel special?
  2. “What prompted it?” This question will help you to know what was going on in his heart and head before it all began. It also could indicate some areas in which you need grow.
  3. “Were you looking for someone to be with?” This will help you know if it was initially about sex or if it began with no sexual intentions. It can also clue you into if a sexual addiction is at the root.
  4. “How would it have progressed if I hadn’t found out?”Would it have continued or was he already contemplating how to end the relationship?
  5. “Did you want me to find out?”Sometimes the offending partner feels trapped in the affair and can’t figure out how to get out without hurting everyone involved.
  6. “Did you think of me and the kids while you were with him?”
  7. “What was it like for you coming home afterwards?”
  8. “What did you experience with her that you wish you could experience with me?”
  9. “Did you feel entitled to have the affair?
  10. “Do you think you should be forgiven?”

These questions will also help you to know if your spouse feels guilty for having hurt you or if he also feels guilty about having had the affair.

Lastly, in order for restoration to occur, at some point you each need to decide to stay for the other and not simply for the kids, money, or your faith.

Find Out More

These powerful questions were inspired by the work of Dr. Corey Allan and Shannon Ethridge. I encourage you to listen to their podcast, Sexy Marriage Radio to learn more about how God views marital sexuality.

Episode #238 is especially helpful for those recovering from an affair.

I also recommend you watch this Ted Talk by Esther Perel on “Rethinking Infidelity.”

For more recommended resources, go HERE.






Tawnya Kordenbrock
Tawnya Kordenbrock

Tawnya Kordenbrock is a licensed professional clinical counselor and an online coach. She provides hope and healing for damaged lives, training you to love yourself, feel connected to others, and walk in the good God has planned for your life.